"What is time, to thee? 

Born into this mad world of.. human kind.

Things to be done at every single moment, schedule to follow or perhaps simple fact of fhysical activities like eating, sleeping just to wake up to another day, without really knowing the difference in between since youré so stressed out that you can not feel your body anymore. Your sensitivity fades away slowly. 

Is it feeling stressed, for not having enough of time to accomplish all that you want, that you need, that you feel forced to be done with during this minute? These hours?

Maybe your whole life has been planned, from the very start your consquense started evolving thus that you could feel your somehow could be in controll of things in life? But why? What the point of it?

But thus are not, are we. We strive for perfection, in a world full of imperfection. This mad delusion of beauty in the madness, in how things look like, in behaviour, languages spoken and the way you pronounce your language. Anything around one, is to be controlled or tried to do so at the least. No matter the cost.

But perhaps the imperfection we so delightfully and quickly bann, is in fact beauty and perfection at its finest.

But thee can not see it for what it is, blinded by your very own perfect picture. Perfect lie. An Illusion made just like an artist painting, that painting created with such passion. We all go towards our demise with a smile on our faces but with broken hearts scattered within. 

Thee looks into the mirror not recognizing who stands in that picture. To the point of broken nails and bloody hands, thee rips that face off piece by piece, replacing it with delusion. Not accepting who thee truly are. Not realizing what you could be!

What is time..

I feel, like I am floating in this unconscousness. In this sea of not knowing the horizon from the back of my back, the sky from the ground or myself from the inside out. A day passes by, and I can't seem to wake up from this nightmare that is haunting me, draining me on my very essence in each and every very amount of "time" that we humans like to call it. Whatever, "it" is. 

Do you ever wonder, what is and what is not. And what could have been and why it happened or didnt? I sure do. And I weep every day from moment to another I find myself bursting with feelings and in the need of expression. A longing for something I can not touch, pronounce, or see in front of me. A feeling I get in my dreams at night when I sleep restlessly and waving my body from side to side, to find slightest comfort in the loneliness. 

I wake up.. just to find myself pressing myself against my pillow, urging to go back to the place I was before. To not feel what I feel when I am in this defiant world. This odd, place we call home. That we take for so granted.

Just because.. time. is . what it is. to you. And everyone else around. 

I pity the world and all life in it. For the peril we head towards with such eager intentions. As do I, but at least I acknowledge the pain it brings and try to mend for the wounds made to others as well as the ones received by others.

Life is too short not to live.. Time, is unimportant. As shall one fade into the mist of time, as a once so bright painting also faints, shall my neverending wonder about life continue until the very day I draw my last breath. 

Then I hope, that I can finally come at peace with my fragile heart thats taken too many beatings, too many strong emotions within. A heart that keeps on beating, but within that shortens its own life even further more by doing so. 

My wish is that people Ive grown to know by the years, forgive me for everything Ive done them wrongly by, as I know I couldve done or let be undone many things or words said. I regret much and Im thankfull at the same time, there is a time for everything and lessons to be learned by it all.

Thus it has been a lesson of a lifetime to be remembered as well as long gone forgotten. 

I just want to Live and by doing so, finding the very essence to time. " 

// Wolfness 

What has happened, once again one year or perhaps two, has passed me by.

Time elapses on silver wings carried by new tides, new storms. Like none before our weather is changed into a trophic disaster, of stormy winds that beats houses, cars, carries trees near and far, lightning strikes fear into thou hearts, yet in next moment to be gone far, when the sunshine hits the wet sad ground, with its warmth. Which quickly changes from them 8 degrees to mighty 20 in a few hours time. I am and I feel amused by this change.. something happens and some choose to close their eyes to it. As well as to everything else in their life.

Ignorance.

It will be the downcome for every last one of thee, every sad soul out there who lives their life in an ignorant manner. Spitting so selfrighteously on others, bellowing themselves and how good their knowledge of things is, when they in fact are too afraid of relaxing and enjoying life. Why hurry into the depths of death, thy shall meet death in time, when life is so short, redeem yourself from your selfish self, and start living the life as it is! It means what it means, and it can be identified as however you want to see it for. But as long as you enjoy, every single moment here in life that brings you that strenghted hearbeat into your chest, pounding for more! Brings you that smile upon your pointy teeth, feeling you don't know how big to smile since the feelings in you explode into every single fiber in thy body.  Live. Life. Love. Let go. Learn. Listen. See !  

Each day I enjoy the feeling of waking up, feeling all of my body awaken as well. Knowing, I got one more day today to live. Or to waste.  

Each day I hug my dog, as quick as I wake up, and many times during the day I stop by, in the moment, to just sit down, and spend a moment with my dog.. to his wish, not mine. If I as a human could, I probably would, just keep stressing after the clock, forgetting how to enjoy or feel anything else than pain and pressure. My dog beats me out of it, there is no better tudor than him.. a  lick on the palm of my hand, a nose poke in my side when sad, then a gentle climb up close to comfort me. A furious growl when he sneaks down the stairs, when im in bed, because he heard someone at the door (protecting me). just to stay quiet, as a mouse and hidden, when Im not around (unsecure without me). A animal, that trusts in me, gives me the feeling of wanting to protect back, and take care of it. It makes me proud that an animal chooses to give me this treatment of a own kin, yet im human. Can't cock around about such a thing, its only sad to do such.. 

Alone we are weak, torn apart from one another. But together we are strong, united we stand firm despite how alone, small and  unsecure we might feel. I have truly found the one friend I needed.

He loves being around me, with me, going on adventures for hours, as well as just taking the garbage outside.

He wags his hairy dark tail with a smile upon his curious innocent face, exposing his fangs, shining all white in  the brief sunlight. I can break a nail, thou not care less, life is to be lived and felt, there simply is no gain without some pain! Exercise, sweat tears and blood, is all there is in this world, or at least so it seems. But there are furballs.. like my boy. Who makes your daily exercise, fears as well  as job relationships etc.  a pure joyful moment of life. Despite everything. Don't you let it take the best of you, when you can be the one to take the best outta this pitiful life ! Stuck with pitiful people !

Such dark times are and have always been, thru centuries we wander lost in thought and dreams of ending time and living forever. Such cannot exist, but in your mind such a thing is beautiful, now aint it trecherous and smug?  

I look forwards to my eternal peace or what ever awaits, or not. I dont give a blazing fucks about religion, hating on people, and making life a misery. Believe in what makes you happy, follow what makes you feel its doing the right thing, listen to yourself not others, respect life and end suffering if possible, be a good human if it aint just a beautiful word to achieve amongst humanity. 

Love thy friends, get scratches and bloody marks, scars and tan skin, let us know you died living the life, not hiding from it. Dont drink your life away, it only mists your conscousness and hides life from you. Poison yourself yes we do that everyday, even to our animals. We run to the arms of death, and still pretend not to know anything about it. 

Ignorance. 

What is there left to say. 

Break a nail, wag a tail, and let life give you the ride! 

Peace out. 

                                         Im Barely Breathing, Afraid Not to Believe It 

Im finding myself cornered by one of the most last expectable things; my very own feelings. How to play this one thru? Im not sure, but I will just have to find my way as usual. 

We all have those moments when we feel that we are failing, fading, emotionally dieing perhaps being too strong in sadness from time to time. But thats when we change, towards the better, that lets us know we're still here, still  kicking and screaming, making our way thru life. If we just run a little faster, just try a little harder, laugh more and love even more, perhaps we can pull ourselves thru, Anything. 

My shoulders bear a heavy weight upon themselves, as much as it pains me to say it out loud, I can't move forwards yet from things that happened the past 2 years of my life. Way too much has weighted upon the dark side, pulling down every single moment of light in my life temporarely.  Tonights such a night, when the barrier falls down and the tears pour down my cheeks for a while.. it feels good to let go, to let the sadness feel its way thru me. It is a part of me, and my way to acceptance of how things have turned out. 

Just breathe, close them eyes. Relax. 

I have absolutely every reason to smile, even while crying. This year has started out absolutely amazing, and better on, I have this one feeling, that this year will and can be a huge "turn around" what comes to everything in my life. My relationships, career, free time, feelings.. well, all of it ! I refuse to say goodbye to everything that has been, but I do base my decissions upon those moments long gone, it will guide me thru life one way or another. If I just keep pushing myself towards a new morning, the hope lives on and so do I. I have to, theres no other way around it. Lets just face it, even if my family is pained, torn apart and very silent between, its my family. And I love every single one of them within it. 

Who would care for my brothers more than I do, after all ? Mom far away in Finland, my father busy with his life and new family.. Me down south here, surviving one day after another, giving all of me for my little brother, whom I love so dearly. Who needs guidance, support, without words most of the time, I know he appreciates feeling at "home" in my home, being part of a family. Even if its poor times, money is tied down tight and lifes hard, we can smile once in a while. We all got our fights between one another, but in the end we would go thru fire for each other. 

I just want to make people happy, I need to see them smile. At least once!

Just to know I can give someone a smile, or a look-back- at-that-moment- feeling, which leads to a good feeling within, makes me glad. Empathy, why does not as many share that ? I could not stand by and watch  bad things being done to people, especially unjustice ! Everyone deserves a chanse in life, sometimes more than one. But that wont happen unless there is people in this world, ready to give these chanses to others around us! Goodness isnt that hard to find within ourselves, if we just realize how precious life can be, to another person. A kind word, a hug, a touch? just a gentle look upon ! Never forget, theres no Excuse for treating people around you in a bad manner. NEVER. 

Laugh a little more, love a  little harder - 

Peace out

             Ett andetag, det skiner , jag kisar.. ett nöjt frust når mina öron, jag blundar. Jag kan dö lycklig-   

   Livet har rockat på hårt på sistonde, min hund har lämnat min sida för nya äventyr, vilket var rätt val att göra för hennes framtid, hästen har krävt mer omsorg och kärlek tack vare både väder och en liten incident med hoven.. själv har man fastnat att kämpa för överlevnad i höstens mörker. Det känns i både ben, märg & hjärta! Kylan tröstar mig om kvällarna när den sluter in mig i sin famn, håller om mig och lugnar mitt annars så stressade sinne.. (tack och lov). Men oron finns där under ytan, hela tiden. 

Tänk dig, en stund bara.. att, När du ser en liten tjej framför dig, som står och sopar stallgolvet lägger du märke till dom mörka groparna under hennes leende ögon, insjunkna kinder som får många rynkor när mungipan drar sig till ett leende då hon ser på sin häst tugga nöjt på sitt foder. Kylan biter i luften, kinderna är röda av utmattning och dom frösna fingrarna söker desperat efter lite skydd i dom tjocka vantarna. Men hon är lycklig, hon fryser inte, kylan känner hon inte av då hon älskar det <3 Kroppen fryser, men hjärtat klappar varmt inombords. Kvittar om man är igång från 05:00 till 23.00

                                               Det är vad jag känner, det är den Jag är. Den jag vill vara.  

                                                                                  Stark

                                                          Att vara  lycklig, vad är lycka egentligen? 

Ett andetag, känslan du får när du lutar ditt ansikte mot din hästs varma hals, en kyss av din kära, en kram..? En blick, som säger mer än tusen ord? Att bara, vakna, att bara somna.. Vad vet jag. Min lycka består av tusentals saker och samtidigt bara ett fåtal.

Men det jag vet.. Är att jag är så jävla tacksam för att Indy har kommit in i mitt liv, dels för att jag inte kan leva utan en häst som min bästa vän i ur som skur, dels för att hon förstår och läser mig totalt.. Hon har gett mig mer än någon människa nånsin kan eftersträva att ge mig i ett förhållande.

Efter bara 2 år känns det som om vi varit tillsammans hela hennes liv, vet inte om samhörighetskänslan kan vara större, men det blir bara bättre o bättre.. Idag red jag henne med bosalen jag får köpa av min kära vän Emma. Hon öka, hon sakta ner, hon lyssnar.. samarbetar.. slåss inte emot, blir inte rädd. Tittar men spookar aldrig.

Trust, mina vänner. Välförtjänt trust finns emellan henne och mig och inget i världen skulle få mig att sabba det, ge upp på det, eller glömma varför hon älskar mig för den jag är. För att hon ÄR, existerar NU, tänker ej på igår eller imorgon. Allt hon ser, är mig o mina känslor Nu framför henne. Det är vad hon går efter, vad hon saknar. Jag kan inte finna alla ord för hur skönt det är att veta att nån kan se mitt inre, hur jag fått lära mig allt igenom hästarnas fantastiska syn på världen. Nu när jag som mest trodde jag njöt av livet och kämpade på, så har jag insett hur stressad jag låtit mig själv bli ÄN en gång! Kontrollerad av tiden, ansvar, stress... Nu sitter jag här och blickar bakåt, på hur besviket hon tittat på mig när jag skyndat till och från stallet, och inte spenderat tid till att krafsa varandra, umgås och bara njuta av att "Bara vara".  Det är så jag skäms.. nu är det nämligen mycket bättre tag som ska tagas med i både huvud och hjärta hädanefter, min käraste ska få det bästa utav mig och inte mindre! Glöm aldrig att behandla er själva & era nära kära, med samma respekt ni kräver att få åt er själva. Alla behöver vi kärlek, ömsesidig kommunikation på våra villkor. <3 

Tårarna rinner lätt numera, det erkänner jag utan tvekan.. det är tufft. Mycket avstånd emellan kära o nära, ångest över beslut man måste ta, eller inte kan påverka på nåt sätt. Stress över arbetslöshet, jag vill känna mig viktig och behövd, att jag har "Min plats".

                                                  Precis som din häst ber dig o vara sin ledare.

                                                        Så känner jag mig bland människor.

Tror  mitt sto skolat mig mer än vad människor har lyckats med med åren, dom har faktiskt gett mig en grund till varför jag inte har många vänner, för de flesta folk är så "blinda" , "döva" och allt annat än Stumma !! Önskar alla kunde vara som djuren, uppriktiga  med direkt respons på beteende.. det skulle bespara så mycket smärta och onödigt lidande över lag.  Jag tror på djurterapi, för att det är dom vi ska ta lära av, inte utav människor då vi är så underlägsna hästarna på alla sätt..  Alla. 

Ikväll sitter jag i min ensamhet, tänker på en underbar helg jag fått uppleva, alla jag har fått träffa.. för andra en självklarhet eller vardagsmat, för mig, var det större än att åka på semester eller vinna en miljon på lotto, för mig var det magiskt. Jag är evigt tacksam, och väldigt ledsen att jag inte kunna sträcka ut och låta mitt sto uppleva havsstranden tillsammans med mig, två blir ett, längs med vattnet.. blunda, skratta, sen, släppa loss. Flyga <3 

..Vad jag känner, jag känner mig fett pressad i livet men samtidigt finner jag alla små stunder som gör det allt värt att genomlida. Jag känner, att jag vill finna ro, jag vill hitta mitt inre lugn. Livets gyllene gång, tillsammans med min man, mina djur. Ut i naturen igen, bli ett med livet. Med den jag en gång var, och fortfarande är, gömd & bortglömd under livets tunga gång. En vacker dag ska jag bli fri.  På riktigt. 

                    Life is one big bittersweet mess, but together you can sort it out and get all out of it. <3 

"Så kom dagen jag väntat på länge.. Dagen jag glömde allt omkring mig och bara var i denna stund. "

Det regnade hela förmiddagen.. solen bröt sakta fram när jag kom till stallet. Indy kom till mig när jag gick till hagen med grimskaftet hängandes slappt i handen. Jag hade ropat hennes namn, nu skrittade hon rakt upp till mig.

Det var skönt att stryka handen mot hennes varma mule efter den kalla körstunden. Hon såg på mig med sina varmt bruna ögon, alert.

Efter att jag bundit upp henne, borstat igenom henne sedvanligt och sedan tvättat henne från topp till hov tills hon var skinande ren, satte jag på henne täcket innan jag avnjöt en varm kopp kaffe. Medans hon torkade funderade jag en stund över dagen och allt som snurrade i huvudet just då. Försökte ruska av mig stressen , men det kändes som att den bet sig envist kvar i bröstet. Kunde känna hur det krampade.

En bra stund senare, snarare x-antal timmar, kom min väninna hem, hämtade sin fina springare och spände honom framför vagnen efter tillsyn. Då bar det strax av till grannen att sadla mitt sto under westernsadel (som vi lär köpa), första gången för oss sen jag fick henne. . Satt i kärran, med tyglarna långa efter, Indy skrittandes bakom oss och bara slappnade av, lyssnades till Pernilles glada prat.  Jag log stort  en stund. Smärtan bultade i höger sida av nacken och axeln, men jag ignorerade det mer för varje minut som gick.

När jag väl sadlat upp, känt efter så att den låg bra på henne, så satte vi av med fart in i skogen.. Jag kände Indy trippa under mig full med kraft när jag höll tillbaka henne, jag satt stadigt med sitsen i sadeln.. tyglarna kortade, väntandes på rätt ögonblick... När dom kört ifrån oss en bra bit uppför backen in i skogen, släppte jag tyglarna. På en millsekund laddade Indy bakbenen under sig och med ett rejält skutt framåt slängde vi oss in i hisande galopp. Jag blundade, andades, öppnade ögonen, skrattade, och manade på henne. ..hon gjorde mig inte besviken den kvällen.  En tår rann nerför min kind innan vi saktade av någon kilometer senare.

2,5 timme av ren, njutning, exstas av att rida, känna samarbetet med min fina springare.. mer än bra väns sällskap, frihets känslan i bröstet som bultade av upprymda så som lugna känslor.  Terapi för en hästsjäl säger jag bara. "The shiet for meh!"  Vi red längs med vackra grusvägar, skogsvägar och förbi fina hus, gårdar som stod i kvällsskymningen och såg allmänt ensamma ut. Två vackra hästar kom springandes upp till vägkanten när vi red förbi en gård i skogen, vi tittade på dom med ett leende och funderade båda två, om vi en dag kanske skulle få en chans .. Morgondagen kommer berätta sin historia inom sin tid.  Men hoppet ligger alltid där- vakandes inombords natt som dag! 

Indy har räddat mig i mina svårigheter minst lika mycket som jag räddat henne ur hennes svårigheter och olycklighet. Tillsammans mot framtidens ljussken, igenom svåra tider. Man ska icke ge sig, när det blir tufft och livet spottar på en ska man bita ihop, spränga världens leende och säga "Efter botten når man toppen.. Bring it!!"  2,5 år snart och vi har överlevt det hittills. Vi ska nog klara resten av livet ska ni se, det finns inget bättre än själva livslusten inombords. Även när vi tror vi tappat den, påminner våra hästar och hundar oss om att den finns där än. Glödandes, väntar på att fatta fyr ordentligt bara ! 

Peace out -

Emmelie 

..you just wont forget about. Like this one, finally one picture caught my pack on the same lens.

I feel like saying this to everyone out there tonight;

Sure, life is a rough ride thru any time at day or night, but if you just open your eyes a little more to notice, there actually are those small moments that make it all worthwhile! Depending on your background, feelings developed by time, favorit things in life, you can see them and gather joy thru the day by them. Sunshine breaking thru the clouds after a few days heavy rain. Maybe the rain itself, smattering against the windows together with them lightnings at the sky..  or perhaps, the feeling of your pet next to you on the sofa/ bed, with your hand in its warm fur- who knows? But main ideá is.. that you can find peace of mind, in any second you choose as well as thanks to coincidence.

I personally believe, in both fate, coincidence and the summary of bad/good moments in the environment around you. Do never lower yourself to selfhate, to think less of yourself because of having a hard time in life. See it as an opportunity to become stronger than you are at this day, a way to develop and become more creative within your actions, feelings as well as way of seeing things! Dont let your guard down, surely there will be people, (as we all live so darn spread out in the world ) who cannot see their life in a larger picture and ends up taking out their own pitiful being in picking on people around them, since they cannot become anything stronger than that. Its all an illusion for weak people, picking on people that are different, or have a hard time due to something, aint going to make you feel better in the end, its still that pitiful picture of theirs to imagine their somehow stronger. When in fact.. it only shows how weak they are. Watch and learn how to be! Learn to become selfacknowledged and dig deep into yourself from time to time, its the best way to bring yourself up and forwards in life, and coexcisting with other people.  I DARE YOU to say no to people, when you feel at that instant moment that you dont want to do/ say, be around or be touched! Say no, show it, make them accept You. If not, ignore them, leave them behind.. its not your problem if people cant just learn to be around one another accepting that private space of ones, or taking a no, for a No and a yes, for a  Yes- its good to think black and white most of the time, because when you dont give most people a clear answer, thats when they start manipulating your answer into what THEY want to hear it as.. and theres, where the problems starts. As usual. 

Oh my, I got a little carried away there now did I.. :) * laughs*  Thats good altho! Shows that im dedicated to what I think and how I reason in life. 

However, you guys just go out there and look for those small things you find beautiful. If its a old pair holding hands sitting on a bench, a flower pushing thru the asphalt, Anything you see as a joy that pinches your heart even for a second.. and you shall find a little more peace at mind, for just that day, you do so. :) Insight my friends.. Insight. 

Its the most that matters. 

~Emmelie~

So life has done it again.

I am left lonely out in the ever closing in darkness, to cry out to the moon when the pain grows too strong inside.

My cry shall rally in the night, to those who chooses to hear it, it shall eco in the mountains and the forests.. Revealing exactly everything that has not been told.

Everything.

I make myself pull thru anything, I bite my teeth together growling in the dark corner, fighting the problems where they stand by. I solve, I heal. Yet there is no relief to this hurt heart of mine, lost soul that seeks an partner of its own. Someone is needed, to rely on in any danger, any weather..

Someone, to love and to be loved by.

For every day that passes, I grow stronger than before yet weaker at the same. What is this curse, this blastemy of my strenght, my iron will ? Why cannot love, let go its hold of me and let me survive this hell I am in?  Darkness closes in, but I miss it so bad, its comforting arms closing around me. Hiding me from what scares me the most.. its not in the darkness my fears lays, it is but in the light itself when I feel exsposed and pushed above my limits.

Way too far has it gone once again.

I shall sleep, like  only a wolf can, safe and sound with my pack tonight. At least whats left of it, before the morning closes in on us. But there is but one pack member missing, and I hope he finds his way back into our lives.

If not, so be it natures will.

(( Wolfness ))

Rain.. Rain.. dripping, wet, annoying, R-A-I-N !! Its absolutely everywhere. Or at least it was, now outside is hot like in an moist owen, just awaiting for the thunder to come. Its a  complete pain to work or move my ass around training my dog or the horse, sweating gallons of water in just a few minutes ! (at least if feels like it)   

O well, at least Ive had a few days off work, so Ive been able to exercise with Maika more often. She now does the right around" and left around" completely right! (outside the leg back, coming up between the legs and sitting down looking up)  ---->    Thats what wewe been training the last 2 weeks.     

Oh, and when I was out the other day at the shopping mal Väla, I went and bought two super awesome scarfs! One for her and one for me Now we look super cool when we are out training or having fun, haha! ( I wish)     But now one guy at work calls me "50 cent" after me showing up there today in my scarf around my head.. and im not sure I should take it as a compliment,  thinking im a girl after all..!? O well -

Indy got some awesome things as well last week; ropebridle (super thin) and matching rope reins in black (so now we have started riding without bridle or bits in the mouth). I must say im pretty pleased with this more natural and less controlled riding style, she responds to it pretty well :) Tho I need to work with my ass and heels more.  She's lost more weight and gained a lil more muscles now, starting to look gooooooood! Also Ive been washing her more often lately due to a more dirty pasture shes in now with the rest of them horses. The vitamins and extras I give her with carrots everytime im out are starting to show results, she isnt loosing as much hair anymore (soon done shedding) and her hoofs look better as well as her mane and tail ( getting a lil thicker and growing better!). Im very pleased.

Oh and I bought her those reallly orange things for her legs (legwraps?) and also a nice brown/white fleecetack :) for colder evenings! SO COSY <3

So from good things to some annoying things then... Like sleeping. It should be the best thing in this darn world, but after having problems sleeping for over a week, Im not sure I want to go to bed anymore. Im getting pretty tired of my restless sleep, always ends in me dreaming bad dreams and waking up either screaming, or repeating loud the words " No , no , no no NO ! " or waking up just when im about to scream. Its a nasty feeling, feelings your heart beat that hard you can barely breath.     Don't really know why its like this. Suppose I just gotta push on and ignore it for now...

Also, Im looking for either a fulltime job, or another part time job to fill in the gap in my earning every month (I need to earn more due to my bills I need to pay off once and for all !) So if anyone knows anything, hit me with it. I would be very very thankful for  all the help received :)  Do notice, I bought those stuff for my animals, with some extra earned money.. So no bills are left unnoticed or payed.

I think Im going to hit the shower again, this heat is killing me...

Thanks for now, see yah ----->