Sometimes it feels like everything is kicking in your head, driving you to the edge of madness, but if you take a deep breath and a step backwards, you will open your eyes to see; Its just life. Ever changing. Always putting up a fight! Always pushing you forwards, one day at a time.  Leaving the choice in your own hands, fight along, keeping yourself on the surface among the strong ones, or just surrender and fade away, like dust in the wind?

I dont know from time to time, if it would be better to just hang on or loose the grip, around that life saving rope someone throws at me in the time of great need. Feelings change, as much as everyone around you and there might not be a feeling more breaking, than the one that you actually have no might in this world, to stop it. Or to prevent it from changing certain things.

What I do know, among other things, is that I can enjoy every simple feeling in my very own body. A pinch of joy from receiving a smile from another person, or the explosive turbulens when I get more furious than fire within, or why not, lets just pretend, a ocean of tears pouring out from inside, just because I'm feeling hurt and filled with sorrow? Asking myself everytime, why call certain things "bad" or "good", there must be a balance between em all ! Pure evil doenst excist, as well as pure good doesnt either, but there are, in different amounts of both, working together as a team, to keep a balance to these words we humans have came up with.  We should learn from the animals at that point.. they dont believe in good or evil, they live one moment at a time, following their instincts, their heart and soul. No thoughts behind every action they take, or noices they make. No lies, no hurting words. Just pure ACTION for survival and pleasant family boundry.. That, is what I am getting closer to, everyday. At least, im trying, and thats the best part in being a human. We can feel so glorious from time to time, especially when we are very much decided to do something good, or when we imagine us doing something good, for someone else than our selves for instance.

Living out my needs, by taking care of my dog and my horse, it brings me such joy, a thousandfold back, for just a simple touch from Indianas nose (my horse's) or a warm look from the eyes on Maika (my dog) when ive brushed or cuddled them a little. Or just given them food to eat, as simple as that. I bet they prefer it before brushing but who knows, I havnt yet asked them about it..

Right now, im experiencing such a world around-turning moment, that I might not see one to come in many, many years from now on. And in some matter, it scares me, as much as it makes me feel so excited about the change to come. But, tears are closer than ever, sadness wails in the shadows in the past, reaching out with old ghosts for old moments to be gone. I feel like a leaf floating on the surface of a dark lake, which on the light glimmers and shines upon during the day, but when nightfall comes it turns as black as the heaven above it. Leaving me feeling very alone and frighten by the darkness surrounding me. Isolating me, from the light that now disappears behind the mountains, into the horizon, without me. But now, there is one light holding on, fighting not to go away from that lake of mine. Wanting to stay by my side, to keep the fear away and make me strong in myself.

Im reaching out to that light, everyday, getting a little bit closer each time yet not close enough, keeps me tempted enough to keep on the fighting, to finally one day reach into that light and become overwhelmed by it.

I think I might just go and howl to the moonlight the next time I know its coming, as a sign of my regained strenght. There is no such thing as of that fear, would be a bad feeling. Fear, lets you know, you care about something so much, you dont want to loose it, or that you care for your survival. Its a boost, to help you make decissions, whenever life gets rough on you!  Never let it down, or yourself down for that matter by doing so. Its way better to give in to the joy of feeling strong in  yourself, and others around you, those who lift you up, towards the dreams you yearn for the most. Towards the love, you once felt, and once want to feel. No matter the cost.

"Live for your life, fear for your love, fight for your honor.  Your codex, of survival. "

- Littlewolfness-

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