"What is time, to thee? 

Born into this mad world of.. human kind.

Things to be done at every single moment, schedule to follow or perhaps simple fact of fhysical activities like eating, sleeping just to wake up to another day, without really knowing the difference in between since youré so stressed out that you can not feel your body anymore. Your sensitivity fades away slowly. 

Is it feeling stressed, for not having enough of time to accomplish all that you want, that you need, that you feel forced to be done with during this minute? These hours?

Maybe your whole life has been planned, from the very start your consquense started evolving thus that you could feel your somehow could be in controll of things in life? But why? What the point of it?

But thus are not, are we. We strive for perfection, in a world full of imperfection. This mad delusion of beauty in the madness, in how things look like, in behaviour, languages spoken and the way you pronounce your language. Anything around one, is to be controlled or tried to do so at the least. No matter the cost.

But perhaps the imperfection we so delightfully and quickly bann, is in fact beauty and perfection at its finest.

But thee can not see it for what it is, blinded by your very own perfect picture. Perfect lie. An Illusion made just like an artist painting, that painting created with such passion. We all go towards our demise with a smile on our faces but with broken hearts scattered within. 

Thee looks into the mirror not recognizing who stands in that picture. To the point of broken nails and bloody hands, thee rips that face off piece by piece, replacing it with delusion. Not accepting who thee truly are. Not realizing what you could be!

What is time..

I feel, like I am floating in this unconscousness. In this sea of not knowing the horizon from the back of my back, the sky from the ground or myself from the inside out. A day passes by, and I can't seem to wake up from this nightmare that is haunting me, draining me on my very essence in each and every very amount of "time" that we humans like to call it. Whatever, "it" is. 

Do you ever wonder, what is and what is not. And what could have been and why it happened or didnt? I sure do. And I weep every day from moment to another I find myself bursting with feelings and in the need of expression. A longing for something I can not touch, pronounce, or see in front of me. A feeling I get in my dreams at night when I sleep restlessly and waving my body from side to side, to find slightest comfort in the loneliness. 

I wake up.. just to find myself pressing myself against my pillow, urging to go back to the place I was before. To not feel what I feel when I am in this defiant world. This odd, place we call home. That we take for so granted.

Just because.. time. is . what it is. to you. And everyone else around. 

I pity the world and all life in it. For the peril we head towards with such eager intentions. As do I, but at least I acknowledge the pain it brings and try to mend for the wounds made to others as well as the ones received by others.

Life is too short not to live.. Time, is unimportant. As shall one fade into the mist of time, as a once so bright painting also faints, shall my neverending wonder about life continue until the very day I draw my last breath. 

Then I hope, that I can finally come at peace with my fragile heart thats taken too many beatings, too many strong emotions within. A heart that keeps on beating, but within that shortens its own life even further more by doing so. 

My wish is that people Ive grown to know by the years, forgive me for everything Ive done them wrongly by, as I know I couldve done or let be undone many things or words said. I regret much and Im thankfull at the same time, there is a time for everything and lessons to be learned by it all.

Thus it has been a lesson of a lifetime to be remembered as well as long gone forgotten. 

I just want to Live and by doing so, finding the very essence to time. " 

// Wolfness 

                                         Im Barely Breathing, Afraid Not to Believe It 

Im finding myself cornered by one of the most last expectable things; my very own feelings. How to play this one thru? Im not sure, but I will just have to find my way as usual. 

We all have those moments when we feel that we are failing, fading, emotionally dieing perhaps being too strong in sadness from time to time. But thats when we change, towards the better, that lets us know we're still here, still  kicking and screaming, making our way thru life. If we just run a little faster, just try a little harder, laugh more and love even more, perhaps we can pull ourselves thru, Anything. 

My shoulders bear a heavy weight upon themselves, as much as it pains me to say it out loud, I can't move forwards yet from things that happened the past 2 years of my life. Way too much has weighted upon the dark side, pulling down every single moment of light in my life temporarely.  Tonights such a night, when the barrier falls down and the tears pour down my cheeks for a while.. it feels good to let go, to let the sadness feel its way thru me. It is a part of me, and my way to acceptance of how things have turned out. 

Just breathe, close them eyes. Relax. 

I have absolutely every reason to smile, even while crying. This year has started out absolutely amazing, and better on, I have this one feeling, that this year will and can be a huge "turn around" what comes to everything in my life. My relationships, career, free time, feelings.. well, all of it ! I refuse to say goodbye to everything that has been, but I do base my decissions upon those moments long gone, it will guide me thru life one way or another. If I just keep pushing myself towards a new morning, the hope lives on and so do I. I have to, theres no other way around it. Lets just face it, even if my family is pained, torn apart and very silent between, its my family. And I love every single one of them within it. 

Who would care for my brothers more than I do, after all ? Mom far away in Finland, my father busy with his life and new family.. Me down south here, surviving one day after another, giving all of me for my little brother, whom I love so dearly. Who needs guidance, support, without words most of the time, I know he appreciates feeling at "home" in my home, being part of a family. Even if its poor times, money is tied down tight and lifes hard, we can smile once in a while. We all got our fights between one another, but in the end we would go thru fire for each other. 

I just want to make people happy, I need to see them smile. At least once!

Just to know I can give someone a smile, or a look-back- at-that-moment- feeling, which leads to a good feeling within, makes me glad. Empathy, why does not as many share that ? I could not stand by and watch  bad things being done to people, especially unjustice ! Everyone deserves a chanse in life, sometimes more than one. But that wont happen unless there is people in this world, ready to give these chanses to others around us! Goodness isnt that hard to find within ourselves, if we just realize how precious life can be, to another person. A kind word, a hug, a touch? just a gentle look upon ! Never forget, theres no Excuse for treating people around you in a bad manner. NEVER. 

Laugh a little more, love a  little harder - 

Peace out

             Ett andetag, det skiner , jag kisar.. ett nöjt frust når mina öron, jag blundar. Jag kan dö lycklig-   

   Livet har rockat på hårt på sistonde, min hund har lämnat min sida för nya äventyr, vilket var rätt val att göra för hennes framtid, hästen har krävt mer omsorg och kärlek tack vare både väder och en liten incident med hoven.. själv har man fastnat att kämpa för överlevnad i höstens mörker. Det känns i både ben, märg & hjärta! Kylan tröstar mig om kvällarna när den sluter in mig i sin famn, håller om mig och lugnar mitt annars så stressade sinne.. (tack och lov). Men oron finns där under ytan, hela tiden. 

Tänk dig, en stund bara.. att, När du ser en liten tjej framför dig, som står och sopar stallgolvet lägger du märke till dom mörka groparna under hennes leende ögon, insjunkna kinder som får många rynkor när mungipan drar sig till ett leende då hon ser på sin häst tugga nöjt på sitt foder. Kylan biter i luften, kinderna är röda av utmattning och dom frösna fingrarna söker desperat efter lite skydd i dom tjocka vantarna. Men hon är lycklig, hon fryser inte, kylan känner hon inte av då hon älskar det <3 Kroppen fryser, men hjärtat klappar varmt inombords. Kvittar om man är igång från 05:00 till 23.00

                                               Det är vad jag känner, det är den Jag är. Den jag vill vara.  

                                                                                  Stark

                                                          Att vara  lycklig, vad är lycka egentligen? 

Ett andetag, känslan du får när du lutar ditt ansikte mot din hästs varma hals, en kyss av din kära, en kram..? En blick, som säger mer än tusen ord? Att bara, vakna, att bara somna.. Vad vet jag. Min lycka består av tusentals saker och samtidigt bara ett fåtal.

Men det jag vet.. Är att jag är så jävla tacksam för att Indy har kommit in i mitt liv, dels för att jag inte kan leva utan en häst som min bästa vän i ur som skur, dels för att hon förstår och läser mig totalt.. Hon har gett mig mer än någon människa nånsin kan eftersträva att ge mig i ett förhållande.

Efter bara 2 år känns det som om vi varit tillsammans hela hennes liv, vet inte om samhörighetskänslan kan vara större, men det blir bara bättre o bättre.. Idag red jag henne med bosalen jag får köpa av min kära vän Emma. Hon öka, hon sakta ner, hon lyssnar.. samarbetar.. slåss inte emot, blir inte rädd. Tittar men spookar aldrig.

Trust, mina vänner. Välförtjänt trust finns emellan henne och mig och inget i världen skulle få mig att sabba det, ge upp på det, eller glömma varför hon älskar mig för den jag är. För att hon ÄR, existerar NU, tänker ej på igår eller imorgon. Allt hon ser, är mig o mina känslor Nu framför henne. Det är vad hon går efter, vad hon saknar. Jag kan inte finna alla ord för hur skönt det är att veta att nån kan se mitt inre, hur jag fått lära mig allt igenom hästarnas fantastiska syn på världen. Nu när jag som mest trodde jag njöt av livet och kämpade på, så har jag insett hur stressad jag låtit mig själv bli ÄN en gång! Kontrollerad av tiden, ansvar, stress... Nu sitter jag här och blickar bakåt, på hur besviket hon tittat på mig när jag skyndat till och från stallet, och inte spenderat tid till att krafsa varandra, umgås och bara njuta av att "Bara vara".  Det är så jag skäms.. nu är det nämligen mycket bättre tag som ska tagas med i både huvud och hjärta hädanefter, min käraste ska få det bästa utav mig och inte mindre! Glöm aldrig att behandla er själva & era nära kära, med samma respekt ni kräver att få åt er själva. Alla behöver vi kärlek, ömsesidig kommunikation på våra villkor. <3 

Tårarna rinner lätt numera, det erkänner jag utan tvekan.. det är tufft. Mycket avstånd emellan kära o nära, ångest över beslut man måste ta, eller inte kan påverka på nåt sätt. Stress över arbetslöshet, jag vill känna mig viktig och behövd, att jag har "Min plats".

                                                  Precis som din häst ber dig o vara sin ledare.

                                                        Så känner jag mig bland människor.

Tror  mitt sto skolat mig mer än vad människor har lyckats med med åren, dom har faktiskt gett mig en grund till varför jag inte har många vänner, för de flesta folk är så "blinda" , "döva" och allt annat än Stumma !! Önskar alla kunde vara som djuren, uppriktiga  med direkt respons på beteende.. det skulle bespara så mycket smärta och onödigt lidande över lag.  Jag tror på djurterapi, för att det är dom vi ska ta lära av, inte utav människor då vi är så underlägsna hästarna på alla sätt..  Alla. 

Ikväll sitter jag i min ensamhet, tänker på en underbar helg jag fått uppleva, alla jag har fått träffa.. för andra en självklarhet eller vardagsmat, för mig, var det större än att åka på semester eller vinna en miljon på lotto, för mig var det magiskt. Jag är evigt tacksam, och väldigt ledsen att jag inte kunna sträcka ut och låta mitt sto uppleva havsstranden tillsammans med mig, två blir ett, längs med vattnet.. blunda, skratta, sen, släppa loss. Flyga <3 

..Vad jag känner, jag känner mig fett pressad i livet men samtidigt finner jag alla små stunder som gör det allt värt att genomlida. Jag känner, att jag vill finna ro, jag vill hitta mitt inre lugn. Livets gyllene gång, tillsammans med min man, mina djur. Ut i naturen igen, bli ett med livet. Med den jag en gång var, och fortfarande är, gömd & bortglömd under livets tunga gång. En vacker dag ska jag bli fri.  På riktigt. 

                    Life is one big bittersweet mess, but together you can sort it out and get all out of it. <3 

"Så kom dagen jag väntat på länge.. Dagen jag glömde allt omkring mig och bara var i denna stund. "

Det regnade hela förmiddagen.. solen bröt sakta fram när jag kom till stallet. Indy kom till mig när jag gick till hagen med grimskaftet hängandes slappt i handen. Jag hade ropat hennes namn, nu skrittade hon rakt upp till mig.

Det var skönt att stryka handen mot hennes varma mule efter den kalla körstunden. Hon såg på mig med sina varmt bruna ögon, alert.

Efter att jag bundit upp henne, borstat igenom henne sedvanligt och sedan tvättat henne från topp till hov tills hon var skinande ren, satte jag på henne täcket innan jag avnjöt en varm kopp kaffe. Medans hon torkade funderade jag en stund över dagen och allt som snurrade i huvudet just då. Försökte ruska av mig stressen , men det kändes som att den bet sig envist kvar i bröstet. Kunde känna hur det krampade.

En bra stund senare, snarare x-antal timmar, kom min väninna hem, hämtade sin fina springare och spände honom framför vagnen efter tillsyn. Då bar det strax av till grannen att sadla mitt sto under westernsadel (som vi lär köpa), första gången för oss sen jag fick henne. . Satt i kärran, med tyglarna långa efter, Indy skrittandes bakom oss och bara slappnade av, lyssnades till Pernilles glada prat.  Jag log stort  en stund. Smärtan bultade i höger sida av nacken och axeln, men jag ignorerade det mer för varje minut som gick.

När jag väl sadlat upp, känt efter så att den låg bra på henne, så satte vi av med fart in i skogen.. Jag kände Indy trippa under mig full med kraft när jag höll tillbaka henne, jag satt stadigt med sitsen i sadeln.. tyglarna kortade, väntandes på rätt ögonblick... När dom kört ifrån oss en bra bit uppför backen in i skogen, släppte jag tyglarna. På en millsekund laddade Indy bakbenen under sig och med ett rejält skutt framåt slängde vi oss in i hisande galopp. Jag blundade, andades, öppnade ögonen, skrattade, och manade på henne. ..hon gjorde mig inte besviken den kvällen.  En tår rann nerför min kind innan vi saktade av någon kilometer senare.

2,5 timme av ren, njutning, exstas av att rida, känna samarbetet med min fina springare.. mer än bra väns sällskap, frihets känslan i bröstet som bultade av upprymda så som lugna känslor.  Terapi för en hästsjäl säger jag bara. "The shiet for meh!"  Vi red längs med vackra grusvägar, skogsvägar och förbi fina hus, gårdar som stod i kvällsskymningen och såg allmänt ensamma ut. Två vackra hästar kom springandes upp till vägkanten när vi red förbi en gård i skogen, vi tittade på dom med ett leende och funderade båda två, om vi en dag kanske skulle få en chans .. Morgondagen kommer berätta sin historia inom sin tid.  Men hoppet ligger alltid där- vakandes inombords natt som dag! 

Indy har räddat mig i mina svårigheter minst lika mycket som jag räddat henne ur hennes svårigheter och olycklighet. Tillsammans mot framtidens ljussken, igenom svåra tider. Man ska icke ge sig, när det blir tufft och livet spottar på en ska man bita ihop, spränga världens leende och säga "Efter botten når man toppen.. Bring it!!"  2,5 år snart och vi har överlevt det hittills. Vi ska nog klara resten av livet ska ni se, det finns inget bättre än själva livslusten inombords. Även när vi tror vi tappat den, påminner våra hästar och hundar oss om att den finns där än. Glödandes, väntar på att fatta fyr ordentligt bara ! 

Peace out -

Emmelie 

So life has done it again.

I am left lonely out in the ever closing in darkness, to cry out to the moon when the pain grows too strong inside.

My cry shall rally in the night, to those who chooses to hear it, it shall eco in the mountains and the forests.. Revealing exactly everything that has not been told.

Everything.

I make myself pull thru anything, I bite my teeth together growling in the dark corner, fighting the problems where they stand by. I solve, I heal. Yet there is no relief to this hurt heart of mine, lost soul that seeks an partner of its own. Someone is needed, to rely on in any danger, any weather..

Someone, to love and to be loved by.

For every day that passes, I grow stronger than before yet weaker at the same. What is this curse, this blastemy of my strenght, my iron will ? Why cannot love, let go its hold of me and let me survive this hell I am in?  Darkness closes in, but I miss it so bad, its comforting arms closing around me. Hiding me from what scares me the most.. its not in the darkness my fears lays, it is but in the light itself when I feel exsposed and pushed above my limits.

Way too far has it gone once again.

I shall sleep, like  only a wolf can, safe and sound with my pack tonight. At least whats left of it, before the morning closes in on us. But there is but one pack member missing, and I hope he finds his way back into our lives.

If not, so be it natures will.

(( Wolfness ))

Rain.. Rain.. dripping, wet, annoying, R-A-I-N !! Its absolutely everywhere. Or at least it was, now outside is hot like in an moist owen, just awaiting for the thunder to come. Its a  complete pain to work or move my ass around training my dog or the horse, sweating gallons of water in just a few minutes ! (at least if feels like it)   

O well, at least Ive had a few days off work, so Ive been able to exercise with Maika more often. She now does the right around" and left around" completely right! (outside the leg back, coming up between the legs and sitting down looking up)  ---->    Thats what wewe been training the last 2 weeks.     

Oh, and when I was out the other day at the shopping mal Väla, I went and bought two super awesome scarfs! One for her and one for me Now we look super cool when we are out training or having fun, haha! ( I wish)     But now one guy at work calls me "50 cent" after me showing up there today in my scarf around my head.. and im not sure I should take it as a compliment,  thinking im a girl after all..!? O well -

Indy got some awesome things as well last week; ropebridle (super thin) and matching rope reins in black (so now we have started riding without bridle or bits in the mouth). I must say im pretty pleased with this more natural and less controlled riding style, she responds to it pretty well :) Tho I need to work with my ass and heels more.  She's lost more weight and gained a lil more muscles now, starting to look gooooooood! Also Ive been washing her more often lately due to a more dirty pasture shes in now with the rest of them horses. The vitamins and extras I give her with carrots everytime im out are starting to show results, she isnt loosing as much hair anymore (soon done shedding) and her hoofs look better as well as her mane and tail ( getting a lil thicker and growing better!). Im very pleased.

Oh and I bought her those reallly orange things for her legs (legwraps?) and also a nice brown/white fleecetack :) for colder evenings! SO COSY <3

So from good things to some annoying things then... Like sleeping. It should be the best thing in this darn world, but after having problems sleeping for over a week, Im not sure I want to go to bed anymore. Im getting pretty tired of my restless sleep, always ends in me dreaming bad dreams and waking up either screaming, or repeating loud the words " No , no , no no NO ! " or waking up just when im about to scream. Its a nasty feeling, feelings your heart beat that hard you can barely breath.     Don't really know why its like this. Suppose I just gotta push on and ignore it for now...

Also, Im looking for either a fulltime job, or another part time job to fill in the gap in my earning every month (I need to earn more due to my bills I need to pay off once and for all !) So if anyone knows anything, hit me with it. I would be very very thankful for  all the help received :)  Do notice, I bought those stuff for my animals, with some extra earned money.. So no bills are left unnoticed or payed.

I think Im going to hit the shower again, this heat is killing me...

Thanks for now, see yah ----->        

Sometimes it feels like everything is kicking in your head, driving you to the edge of madness, but if you take a deep breath and a step backwards, you will open your eyes to see; Its just life. Ever changing. Always putting up a fight! Always pushing you forwards, one day at a time.  Leaving the choice in your own hands, fight along, keeping yourself on the surface among the strong ones, or just surrender and fade away, like dust in the wind?

I dont know from time to time, if it would be better to just hang on or loose the grip, around that life saving rope someone throws at me in the time of great need. Feelings change, as much as everyone around you and there might not be a feeling more breaking, than the one that you actually have no might in this world, to stop it. Or to prevent it from changing certain things.

What I do know, among other things, is that I can enjoy every simple feeling in my very own body. A pinch of joy from receiving a smile from another person, or the explosive turbulens when I get more furious than fire within, or why not, lets just pretend, a ocean of tears pouring out from inside, just because I'm feeling hurt and filled with sorrow? Asking myself everytime, why call certain things "bad" or "good", there must be a balance between em all ! Pure evil doenst excist, as well as pure good doesnt either, but there are, in different amounts of both, working together as a team, to keep a balance to these words we humans have came up with.  We should learn from the animals at that point.. they dont believe in good or evil, they live one moment at a time, following their instincts, their heart and soul. No thoughts behind every action they take, or noices they make. No lies, no hurting words. Just pure ACTION for survival and pleasant family boundry.. That, is what I am getting closer to, everyday. At least, im trying, and thats the best part in being a human. We can feel so glorious from time to time, especially when we are very much decided to do something good, or when we imagine us doing something good, for someone else than our selves for instance.

Living out my needs, by taking care of my dog and my horse, it brings me such joy, a thousandfold back, for just a simple touch from Indianas nose (my horse's) or a warm look from the eyes on Maika (my dog) when ive brushed or cuddled them a little. Or just given them food to eat, as simple as that. I bet they prefer it before brushing but who knows, I havnt yet asked them about it..

Right now, im experiencing such a world around-turning moment, that I might not see one to come in many, many years from now on. And in some matter, it scares me, as much as it makes me feel so excited about the change to come. But, tears are closer than ever, sadness wails in the shadows in the past, reaching out with old ghosts for old moments to be gone. I feel like a leaf floating on the surface of a dark lake, which on the light glimmers and shines upon during the day, but when nightfall comes it turns as black as the heaven above it. Leaving me feeling very alone and frighten by the darkness surrounding me. Isolating me, from the light that now disappears behind the mountains, into the horizon, without me. But now, there is one light holding on, fighting not to go away from that lake of mine. Wanting to stay by my side, to keep the fear away and make me strong in myself.

Im reaching out to that light, everyday, getting a little bit closer each time yet not close enough, keeps me tempted enough to keep on the fighting, to finally one day reach into that light and become overwhelmed by it.

I think I might just go and howl to the moonlight the next time I know its coming, as a sign of my regained strenght. There is no such thing as of that fear, would be a bad feeling. Fear, lets you know, you care about something so much, you dont want to loose it, or that you care for your survival. Its a boost, to help you make decissions, whenever life gets rough on you!  Never let it down, or yourself down for that matter by doing so. Its way better to give in to the joy of feeling strong in  yourself, and others around you, those who lift you up, towards the dreams you yearn for the most. Towards the love, you once felt, and once want to feel. No matter the cost.

"Live for your life, fear for your love, fight for your honor.  Your codex, of survival. "

- Littlewolfness-

                                       Good day folks!

I eventually decided to open a blogg here, thanks to Klara, a near friend who's been there for me in the need of aid. :)    [thank you so much!<3]

This is going to be about my life & my dog, Maika. My best friend, and altho she's only just  past a year old, we'we been thru many adventures already, both good as bad days together.  Myself im on my way to 23 years, but until then, im  a 22 years old, happy, adventourus, loyal and wildlife loving woman. Merely in the start of life, but already more experienced  than most people my age or above! ;)  [sad but true, most people have lost the main sence]

I think I have my parents to thank for that, and the ever changing life that we live by. We all have the choice to either develop and survive, when we meet with our harder days and conflicts, or  just give up and die along the way.So chin up, and keep going! ;)

For sure, I choose to put up a fight and keep the head above the surface! :) And those few lovely friends I have around me, are made of the same branch. - The STRONG one.  Nobody messes with us, because we know to love ourselves, respect each other, and be strong in the face of life. <3

So.. What to tell ?  I love camping, wandering, climbing, fishing, hunting, wildberry picking, horseback riding, dog training, sheep herding with dog, photographing (wish I can get my hands on a nice systemcamera soon) motorbike riding, car driving, cleaning (its true!!), drawing & making art, writing to penpal friends, to have a job, baking & food, fitness & jogging, swimming ... etc. :) My MAIN interests! 

For the moment the three of us( Me, my boyfriend, and Maika) are living in an small apartment 41 cm2  quite in centrum of Örkelljunga, the village. My dream is to move North one day, and live in a timber cottage, working in the nature all days! :D * sighs* while my boyfriends dream is to work within an restaurant in a big town. I sense a bargain coming up about where to live, haha! We will sort it out, I hope. <3

Well, enough about that. Hope you all are going to enjoy following us here on this bloggsite, do feel free to keep up the comments and discussions!

Hugs & Paws, Littlewolfness & Maika